Waltham, MA- 23 year old Jake Mandebury impatiently eyed the download progress of his “Speedtrax” app on his Iphone. He had just consumed a whole day of Rowdy Ninja’s blog and was ready to cause havoc before the town went quiet and everyone was safely tucked away in their beds and/or futons. According to the App’s description, you needn’t worry about any cops pointing those insurance-hiking death rays as you sped down one way streets..the wrong way. An interactive map pointed out where all the cops were in a 30 mile radius and even jammed their radar to instead display geriatric porn. Having fitted his ‘03 Honda Prelude with an eardrum-killing aftermarket muffler, he figured it would be such a waste to just purr alongside the nice folks of this sleepy town. It was time they got jolted up a few notches because he felt their melancholic casualness creeping up into his psyche...not good.
Finally, after a whole 5.23 seconds, the app came to life..complete with an icon of a dumbfounded cop staring blankly at his radar gun after a Ferrari went zipping by. Tripping over his heaps of dirty clothes strewn across the basement floor( nicknamed The Leech Abode by his ailing mother behind his back), he dashed outside and clambered with anticipation behind the wheel of his newly acquired speed demon.
As he peeled out of the driveway with utter disregard for peace and civility, he wondered to himself if the car wasn’t as loud as he thought because nobody seemed to be turning their heads. He’d especially love to see homecoming queen Jamie Green, that lived across the street turn her head one of these Saturday nights on his bed and call him the Honda god.
After almost missing the opportunity to blow through a red light on MLK and 5th, no sooner had he cast another inquisitive glance at his Iphone, than he discerned the distinctive blare of sirens above the deafening muffler sound..like an alien woman spirit screaming for help as Chuck Norris choked her out.
The following conversation between a permanently infuriated sherriff and a sheepish Jake precedes the now infamous lawsuit:
“Son do you know why I stopped you?”
“Uhhh..no sir..”
“I don’t give a damn how cool your awesome-sounding car looks like, but you can’t go around dragging trash in this here immaculate town of mine or my name isn’t Robert Pewburst the 3rd.”
Apparently, the speedracer’s dad dutifully attached a distended trash bag to the back of the car to politely remind him to quit slacking off on his duties. It naturally exploded in one of many death-defying maneuvers leaking slime on the bumper and vomiting a lot of its contents on the street.
“I’ll have to cite you for littering. It’s $450.70. You can sign it and go contest it in court ..I really don’t give a fuck,” added the cop helpfully as he gleefully presented him with his costly prize.
Prominent civil lawyer Russ Cotto, who’s representing Jake confessed to Rowdy Ninja that this is the first case of its kind he’s ever tried. He’s more proficient with ripping insurance companies off with frivolous claims of feigned neck injuries and psychiatric stress from the ever reliable fender benders all over the South Shore. He asserts it’s a pretty strong case especially because of the false advertising involved. Had it not been for the App’s ineptitude, Jake would have never left his basement that day and would have instead peacefully played video games all night taking breaks to spy on his oh so hot neighbor with a powerful infrared telescope.
We reached out to Apple, but haven’t heard back. Word is..they’re not worried at all and won’t even bother showing up for the summons.