If It Wasn't For You Meddling Kids

SAN MARCOS, TX- The Hayes county biannual fair won't be the same this year. Rancher Marc Givens of San Marcos TX, owner of Snouty the multi Filthy- Award winner is besides himself. Apparently, Mr. Given's city grand kids were in town visiting for the summer break from Austin. They accidentally left a portable pool uncovered when the mishap happened. Snouty was busy rolling around in his own knee-deep filth pretending not to pay the youngsters any mind as they splashed around happily in the small pool. The spectacle of carefree kids must have sparked Snouty's interest and he immediately promised himself to give the splashing a go and see how it holds up against shit-lolling. As soon as the children pranced away hopping and skipping every which way with glee, it was off to the races for the veteran sow. He took a majestic dive into the crystal clear refreshing water and did some belly-rolls before quickly realizing how unpleasant it felt and jumping out. With the Filth Contest just a day away, the damage was insurmountable. By accidentally cleaning himself, the pig, a Wessex Saddleback, was a sight no pig farmer should ever have to behold. Even the white stripe around his neck was now visible while the black on the rest of his body shone in the sunlight with ...cleanliness. Despite incessantly apologizing to their grandfather, the kids' parents were called down to pick them up and Mr. Givens has vowed never to speak to them again. He's still the pun of endless jokes to this day with the favorite one that goes: If Mr. Clean had a pig...it'd probably resemble Snouty. Of course the townsfolk only belch out these insensitive jests behind Givens' back for fear of reprisal..the good rancher is known for his unusual marksmanship and fondness of his World War I dull and rusty Ghanian Buckshot Pistol. 

Bewormed

MILTON MA- 29 year old Angela Bismuth stares solemnly at Rowdy Ninja's tall, blonde and quite stunning Swedish reporter Margo Shriver. She belches disgustingly and doesn't bother to excuse herself. According to her, about ten years ago, she went on a 2 week getaway to Africa shortly after failing her 5th year finals at Quincy Community College. The ultimate goal was to boost her morale on the simple fact that being white in Kenya is quite advantageous and you're treated like royalty ..except of course having to cough up a fortune on purchases ( this comes with the territory and is really more a mere inconvenience than anything else). Going to Miami was out of the question as there'd be way too many other Caucasians Read more...

Environmentalist Warmongers Heartbroken by Tragedy

The solar powered F-38 that the Pentagon has been keeping secret  from the public met an ill-fated end this afternoon. Repeatedly decorated Cpt. Matt Spillet was flying the environmentally friendly WMD carrier over the Marloborough Air Force base when everything seemed to go awry. The jet spontaneously burst into flames sending deadly jets of fireballs across the sky and frying some frolicking crows in their wake. Sadly, none of the very hard to find components could be salvaged. Cpt Spillet's mistresses have all been alerted by his First Mate/

Fish or Chips Mate?

Disgruntled passengers are suing Virgin Atlantic for a recent horrendous trip that ended in a lot of heartache and schedule interruptions. The complaint stems from the airline choosing to hire British pilots for their local US flights instead of limiting this for just the international ones. Rachel Givens of Rehoboth, MA tells Rowdy Ninja a very disturbing tale of her recent experience with the airline. Her flight from JFK was expected to be predictably uneventful safe for the lack of allergen free peanuts and non fizzling pepsi
served by the mediocre looking flight attendants.

MR. SNIFFLES: Damn You National Geographic And Your Awesome Videos

I'm very worried about my work cat Mr Sniffles. Years ago, we had to hire undercover maids to steal him from old man McAllister, our next door neighbor. It was based on the obvious notion that the cat himself was allergic to him or something in that rundown house.The maids left a BOGO coupon on his door involving getting his armadillo skin hammock tidied of the fall leaves for just  $467.89 and having his bed made.